Merry Christmas! It’s a little early in the pacific time zone, but here it’s past 1 AM, and we’ve already gotten started. My family opened their first gifts, traded hugs and thank-you’s, and now everyone has gone up to bed. The traditions continue, and it makes me happy. I hope your Christmas is exciting, and that you smile all day, and eat tasty food. I also hope you get some cool stuff! I had a few neat ideas for you (if I do say so myself). Situation as it is, I’ll hold onto my ideas, but I wanted you to know that I had fun thinking about them. And you, of course.
This is a shorter section than what follows, but I wanted to take a second to send some well wishes. I understand if you take the day off from reading beyond here, too. Not sure if it’s weird for you. Anyway, I hope you have an awesome day. Hope your hand feels better, too!
I wanted to revisit a bit of what I was writing about last night, and put it in some sort of order. Summarize it in some (hopefully) small way because I think a few parts of the pages of random thoughts I ended up with were worthwhile. I couldn’t come up with a theme like my previous posts, and I think that’s what prevented me from posting any of it. I had trouble finding the thread that tied me to you. It usually happens so easily, but I was missing the mark. Just so you know, a few pieces of this will come back up in another post that will come soon, but for now, I hope this is as easy and nice to read as the other posts have been.
Yesterday was was a strange day, let alone the vacation as a whole. Of course being with family and the last remaining friends that haven’t left the area has been great, but I started really noticing that I don’t feel a large or deep connection to this place anymore. It was a pretty slow day, and I had a lot of time to think about, well, everything.
I think the disjoined nature of everything I ended up writing down happened in part because of the strangeness I was perceiving, but also because of the long conversation my friend Jason Andres and I had over endless cups of coffee until 6:30 AM the previous night. Jason and I have known each other for a pretty decent number of years. He knows a good deal about me, which he made very evident a few nights ago. Way more than I expected him to, anyway. It was refreshing and horrifying. I am certainly me. Yes, happily.
After a few paragraphs of nonsense, I wrote of love. How the concept of love can come from an immature place if you tell someone you love them because you feel you need them. That in such a scenario, you're looking for love yourself, and will take whatever you can get. Is love the desire to be desired? I thought that was probably true for some people. I thought about how real love seemed to be something that you felt when you needed that one special person in your life because you already felt love for them. It's the order of the love and need that's important. Do I love you because I need you? No, I need you because I love you.
“Tell me who admires you and loves you, and I will tell you who you are.”
-Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve, an obviously French dude
I wondered about absence then (physical, mental, text), and if it diminished the passion I felt, or intensified it. What that meant for you and anything you might feel. Do you think about me as much as I think about you? Does it matter if we don’t talk for days, if at some point I’ve crossed your mind at least once? Was it horrible that I hoped you thought about me all the time, all the time, all the time? That I never wanted you to forget me, not even for a second? Probably. No, not at all. Maybe?
I wrote about the passage of time. How if the whole of time was put on hold, on its side, as sand in an hourglass, that it would be a 'sand still' and maybe then we'd have a moment to figure everything out without any pressure at our backs. If time was indeed the longest measurement between two places, two people, then I wished for all of the time I could get my hands on, and spend it all on you. If time was really a currency, I wanted to be rich with it so I could just be with you forever. Does that sound unreasonably dumb?
I wrote about a lot more, all in the same vein. And at some point, it all felt a little too serious. Sometimes letting actions lead to larger actions (or in this case, a thought leading to larger thoughts) is like digging a mind maze you can never escape if you keep thinking in one direction. Still believing in every conclusion I came too, and keeping my mind on any new questions that came up (at least in some capacity), I left questions about time, love and absence stay up in the air for the night. I think it all felt a little too overwrought to post. Not sure how that’s changed today, but I guess I answered my own question about any diminishing or intensifying tendencies when I can’t talk to you. I miss you.
I want this to be easy. I know it’s inherently not. I just want to let this go wherever it will, and maybe that’s bad, maybe it’s great, but I guess what I want to say is that I want it to exist. I hope you do, too.
The last thing I wrote in that session: I guess some things are worth holding onto while others are better left behind. I could leave everything behind, my job, my house, even my name, but I never want to lose sight of you.